I’ve been dealing with something the last couple of days that started earlier this summer. It’s fairly difficult thing for me to process so like my true nature I figured “why not share it with anyone who’ll listen?”.
Earlier this summer I jumped into full-time freelancing a little earlier than I had planned. I lost my job and thought what better time to go after something I’ve been dreaming about for a while. Financially this summer has been a major struggle, but in all other aspects its been absolutely the best summer of my life. I’ve hit on some of that in earlier posts. I’ve had fairly steady work and we’ve paid the bills with little room for anything else until this month. This month we just got by and next month I have no idea what the hell I’m gonna do. But that’s not what this is about.
After the first month of freelancing I decided that to fill in any small gaps in work I’d deliver pizza for a local place. It’s an interesting way to pass a few hours during the day a couple days a week and I get a little cash for groceries or whatever. It’s fine. What I didn’t realize would happen is really screwing with me now.
My crazy large ego has shown it’s face. For whatever reason I started feeling shame for working as a “pizza guy”. Why!? In my heart I know all work is noble. I KNOW THIS. I have never felt better than others… at least tried to keep that shit in check, but for whatever reason I felt shame.
I didn’t acknowledge it until this week. I acted like the feeling didn’t exist and that I enjoyed the work. I don’t even think I was totally aware of the shame until recently. So how’d I discover it? Well, twice this week I saw people I worked with previously while I was slingin’ pizzas. The first time I was returning from a delivery and ran into a couple guys who were eating at the place next door. They are awesome guys and I loved working with them. I consider them friends. They did nothing wrong and were genuinely glad to see me as we talked briefly. After seeing them I started to really notice how I felt. It sucked, but I still wasn’t truly aware until the next day.
The next day I was at the store getting some things done in the back when a few of the guys I worked with came in to order and dine in. I did my best to not be seen and as far as I know succeeded. I can’t even tell you why. I like these guys. Here’s the deal.. At one time I was a leader for one of these guys. I didn’t want to let him see me and I sure as hell didn’t want to talk about working there. I asked myself all the questions you can imagine about my self-worth and why I would care if he saw me but it didn’t matter. I was in the pits of shame.
So I’ve been working on what all this means for me the last couple of days. I don’t have any answers yet other than I know I have no reason to feel that way. I know that doing what it takes to make sure my family is taken care of is what matters and I will do ANYTHING to make that happen. Writing this post will shed some light on this crap and I hope do some healing in me.
All I know is that I’ll continue to deliver pizzas until I no longer need to. I’ll continue to freelance as an animator because I love it. And now I’m also looking for a full-time gig to get our finances under control so that I can properly build my freelance business without putting unnecessary stress on my family.
So there you have it. I have an ego problem. I also have a shame problem. Apparently I’m human. I will not let it control me.
So if you see me delivering pizzas and I act a little weird just know that I’m working on it.